Issues. It’s about to get deep yo.
Why do I run? Why do I train to run races? What the heck is this all about anyway??? Well imma gonna tell ya…
I first started running out of sheer heartache and pain. With no other means to escape, I ran. Ran away. Figuratively of course.
I had a young child at an early age, a terrible divorce (which has it’s own sad story but I won’t get into that) with a trail of not so healthy, hazordous relationships. Including one horrendous one by which I was not only lied to but totally decived on every level…but I won’t go into that either. I just wanted to be loved. By someone. Anyone. My father wasn’t in the first part of my life. So I begged for acceptance. (He has made a wonderful effort since my 20s to be apart of my life which has been answer to prayer!) Spent many nights crying myself to sleep from lonliness, heartache and pain. I felt that I was the most worthless human being on the face of the planet. I didn’t go to college, felt like a dummy who was no good at anything, felt like a complete failure at motherhood, made terrible decisions (still do that on occasion…but I chalk that up to being human) both relationaly and finacially, never finished any kind of project (think MaryKay cosmetics failure.ugh.) …. One day I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and went out for a run. It was an angry run I believe. I was what my sister would call, a “hot mess”…. I was angry for being a total wreck. Angry for being lied to, cheated on, taken advantage of…I was ticked. And then I got this incredible high like nothing else. God was talking to me. Reminding me of the strength I held inside.
So I signed up for the Reindeer Run 5k. And then I trained with whatever time and resources I had to work with. I checked out running books from the library and researched all I could.
For the first time in my life I had began a project and finished it to the end. And it felt AMAZING to cross that finish line!! I had accomplished SOMETHING. Of course the Lord is the only one to completely fill a void in life. I believe He strengthens me by the power He sustains in my legs, lungs and heart.
Why did I choose now to bring this all up? Because as I find myself less than 48 hours away from my first 10k, I’m feeling like a nervous wreck. I keep questioning myself. Doubting myself. So by questioning myself I decided I needed to go back to the basics.
Why do I run?
I started running because it freed me from pain. It gave me confidence. Because it renews my spirit.
I’m not a serious athlete. But I’m serious about my faith. And that’s where my perspective needs to be. Not on winning a medal (although one day that would totally be cool!) or being a hard core allstar runner. But on being the mother God’s called me to be. Being the woman I need to be to change my little corner of this world.
I will race on July 4th in honor of a friend and all those who fight for our freedom. I will run because God has blessed me with two healthy strong legs. I will smile because my family will be there to cheer me on in love. This my friends…is what it truly means to run.
Freedom. Strength. Confidence.
Why do you run?
3 Jul 2012 / runpinkjess / 0